


Arthur Realises That Gwen Spends Too Much Time Around The Knights.

by Lady_Blade_WarAngel



Series: That Awkward Moment When...... [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Appearing From Nowhere, Complete crack, Drinking, Drinking Songs, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gambling, Hangover, Magic, Salt, We'll assume that Lancelot and Gaius are around somewhere but don't teach Gwen bad habits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4361192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Blade_WarAngel/pseuds/Lady_Blade_WarAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is horrified when he realises that Gwen spends far too much time with the Knights, learning all their bad habits (or what he believes to be bad habits anyways)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arthur Realises That Gwen Spends Too Much Time Around The Knights.

**Author's Note:**

> So... I hope that whoever reads this, enjoys the craziness. LOL! Remember that this is basically crack with only slight plot. LOL!

Arthur Realises That Gwen Spends Too Much Time Around The Knights.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Arthur walked into the throne room, expecting to find his wife seated on her throne next to his. Instead, he found the throne room empty. Arthur frowned as he heard noise coming from the training yard outside. So Arthur walked over and opened one of the windows that looked out over the training yards, and there he saw his wife practising using a crossbow with Leon. Arthur frowned.

“Since when was Guinevere interested in crossbows?” Arthur asked himself.

“She’s liked them since Leon showed her how easy it is to hunt rabbits with them.” Arthur spun around to see Merlin behind him.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Arthur asked. Then after a beat he asked another question. “Where the hell did you come from?” It was almost as an afterthought. Merlin shrugged.

“I’m a supreme magical being, did you really think that question through Arthur?” Merlin replied. Then he walked over to the window and saw Gwen was actually very good with the crossbow. “She did used to be a servant. We all used to have to go and hunt meat. No offence but when your father was alive we had crazy taxes on meat.” Merlin stated. Then he looked out of the window again. “She must spend a lot of time practising, she’s really good with that crossbow. Almost as good as she is with that wooden staff she’s been training with, with Percival.” Merlin commented and then he was gone. Arthur blinked.

“Wait! Since when does Guinevere practise with staffs?” Arthur said. Then he realised that he was alone again and growled angrily, wishing Merlin would at least warn him before he did that.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Later that night, Arthur and Gwen were getting ready for bed when Gwen grabbed a spice bag from seemingly nowhere and started to pour a white powder around the bed. Arthur blinked at his wife.

“Guinevere, what are you doing?” Arthur asked.

“Putting salt around the bed.” Gwen replied.

“Why?” Arthur asked.

“Because it keeps away bad spirits.” Gwen replied.

“Who told you that?” Arthur asked.

“My brother.” Gwen said again. She was still pouring salt. Arthur blinked.

“I’m sure Elyan tried this before and it didn’t work. He ended up possessed by the spirit of a druid boy.” Arthur stated. Gwen blinked.

“Nope. He told me about that. But he got it wrong. He made a circle at the foot of his bed instead of making a circle all the way around the bed, which is what I’m doing right now.” Gwen said. Arthur decided to give up the discussion. It would do little good to argue the point with Gwen anyway, after all, siblings usually thought alike, and Elyan still poured salt around his bed.

xXxXxXx THREE DAYS LATER xXxXxXx

It was late in the evening and Arthur was once again looking for Gwen. He could find her nowhere in the castle, and as a last resort he knocked on Morgana and Merlin’s door. He heard noise from within, and then muffled conversation.

 _“Merlin whoever it is can bugger off! Our sex life is becoming very inactive since we moved back here to Camelot!”_ Morgana exclaimed. Arthur felt an overwhelming sense of horror envelope him.

 _“Morgana we have sex six times a day!”_ Merlin exclaimed back. Arthur nearly choked on air, and forgot to breathe.

 _“And yet we’re always getting interrupted! How are we supposed to make any more God like offspring with all these distractions?”_ Morgana stated. That was when Merlin opened the door to see Arthur. His face and the tops of his ears went bright red. “Who is it Merlin?” Morgana asked.

“Your older brother, who looks like he’s stopped breathing. He obviously heard our conversation. Arthur breathe!” Merlin yelled at Arthur. Arthur gasped and took a deep breath.

“What’s wrong Arthur.” Morgana asked, coming to the door in a robe. Arthur blinked and then remembered.

“I was looking for Gwen. I tried everywhere else, I thought the two of you might be talking.” Arthur stated, choosing to ignore anything else he had just heard for the sake of his sanity. Morgana shrugged.

“Nope she’s not here. Try the tavern. She did promise Gwaine she’d visit him so he could teach her how to get immune to the effects of alcohol. Although if you ask me, that’s pointless because all we have to do is say a short spell and no more hangovers.” Morgana replied cheerfully.

“My wife drinks?” Arthur asked. Then something else dawned on him. “She’s gone out drinking with Gwaine! Oh my poor innocent wife!” Arthur exclaimed before running off.

“Is now the right time to tell him that Gwen stole your lipginity?” Morgana asked. Merlin gave Morgana a firm stare.

“There is _never_ a right time for that conversation Morgana.” Merlin replied, before they closed the door and went back to earlier activities.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

When Arthur arrived at ‘The Rising Sun’ he was horrified to see Gwen standing on a table in the middle of the tavern. What was worse was she was singing.

“Well you’ve been a splendid audience, but now the time is passed,

So don’t you all be letting the door hit you in the ass,

You’ve been a lovely audience, but enough is enough,

We’d take a drink kindly if you’d all just bugger off,  
  


So bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Bugger off, you bastards bugger off, 

Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough,

You’ll get no more this evening, so you bastards bugger off,  
  


Here’s to barkeep and waitresses been serving you your beers,

They’ve put up with your noxious breath and stupid drunken leers,

Be leaving all your money on the table when you go,

For all you’ll have a throbbing head and nothing else to show  
 

So bugger off, you bastards bugger,

Bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough,

You’ll get no more this evening, so you bastards bugger off,  
 

Here’s to all the lovely people who might be waiting for the band,

And thinking one of them might make a charming one night stand,

Please don’t be offended, this song’s not meant for you,

And we’ll be happy to oblige you when this nasty job is through  
 

So bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough,

You’ll get no more this evening, so you bastards bugger off,  
 

So you’ve been promising the ladies a night of loving bliss,

But truth be told you’re far too drunk to stand up straight and piss,

So give it up you bloody sots, you’ll not be getting laid,

And the sooner that you’re out the door the sooner we’ll get paid  
  


So bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough,

You’ll get no more this evening, so you bastards bugger off.”

Arthur was horrified by the language coming out of Gwen’s mouth and saw that everyone was cheering her on. Gwaine was the loudest, of course, so Arthur knew there would be no help coming form that quarter. That was when Elyan arrived.

“Where did you come from?” Arthur asked.

“My house? I do live here in Camelot. One of the regulars said the Queen was drunk and dancing on tables so I thought I’d come and get her and bring her home.” Elyan stated firmly. “But since you’re here, I should just leave that job to you.” Elyan added. Before he could run though, Arthur had grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him further into the room.

“Oh no you don’t Elyan. If you think I’m handling this situation with my wife and Gwaine all by myself you’ve got another thought coming.” Arthur stated. Elyan sighed, resigned to his fate and the pair managed to wrangle both Gwen and Gwaine out of the tavern, much to the disappointment of the locals who were enjoying Gwen’s singing. Arthur and Elyan groaned as they dragged the drunken pair home, all the while, both Gwen and Gwaine were singing at the top of their lungs.

“So bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Bugger off, you bastards bugger off,

Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough,

You’ll get no more this evening, so you bastards bugger off......”

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next morning, when Gwen woke with a giant hangover, Arthur firmly told Gwen she was spending far too much time with the Knights and she needed to find something else to do with her time. Gwen pouted and then agreed sadly when a servant dropped a metal goblet in front of her at breakfast and she yelled at the poor creature because of her headache. Arthur felt a smug sense of satisfaction that his wife would go back to normal and everything would carry on as before, without Gwen playing with crossbows, salt, wooden staffs, or without her going with Gwaine to the tavern. He could do without that ever happening again.

xXxXxXx ONE WEEK LATER xXxXxXx

Arthur sighed as he was once again looking for Gwen. He then heard cheering coming from the laundry room. Arthur had a bad feeling about this, and he wondered which Knight had taught his wife another bad habit, when he walked in and saw his wife playing dice. Merlin was stood in a corner smirking proudly as Gwen won.

“That’s the fourth time in a row!” One man said. Gwen grinned.

“Well Merlin taught me everything I know.” Gwen stated. Arthur groaned.

 _“Well at least she took what I said about spending so much time with the Knights seriously......”_ Arthur thought to himself as he left the room, giving up for today. He had a feeling Morgana would come and try to kill him later, because Merlin was spending time with Gwen and it was interrupting her sex life. So Arthur decided to find a nice quiet corner to hide for... let’s say... the next month?

**Author's Note:**

> You made it to the end! (celebrates) Thanks for reading. I hope it made you laugh and that the next part will NOT disappoint.


End file.
